“Natural” Childbirth

All of you granola-eating, birkenstock-wearing, attachment-parenting, LeLeche-league joining, “crunchy” parents are going to be horribly offended by this post.  I am warning you now, so that you do not send me nasty comments or hate mail-those will take time to delete, and I really hate wasting time doing things I hate to do.  If you stopped reading right now you would save us all the trouble-you wouldn’t have to get offended and ruin your chi (or whatever) and I don’t have to screen my inbox for hatemail.  Deal?

Now to all us normal parents-especially the first time moms.  There is something very important you need to know-THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNNATURAL CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE. 

Many grass-eating parents will tell you that in order to ensure the best experience you for you and your baby you need to have a “natural” childbirth.  By this they mean no drugs, and also will often suggest things like underwater birth, home births, “quiet births”, doulas instead of doctors, and chakra alignment (no kidding, someone told me to do that).

Don’t listen to them.  For God’s sake people, this is 2007, not 1707.  There is absolutely no reason to hike into the woods and have your baby under a willow tree supervised only by someone with a turban and a “magic” waving stick.  In the 21st Century we have lovely things like clean and sterilized hospitals, pain management drugs, and even PEOPLE WHO WENT TO SCHOOL FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF DELIVERING BABIES.  That is what happens when society and technology advances.  Things get easier-and that’s a good thing.  No one wants to have to hunt for 6 hours just to eat their breakfast…..and there’s no reason to anymore.  Just like there is no reason to have your baby in a mud hut, unless you want to.

Don’t get me wrong, if you’d like to have your baby in a lake of shimmering water while having your chi maximized go at it.  It’s your baby, you can suffer if you want to.  My main objection is that these birken-wearers will often attack other people [especially vulnerable first time moms] for using the God-inspired man-made comforts of modern childbearing.  They will even tell first time moms that having their babies any other way except the “crunchy” way is “unnatural”.

Here’s the thing-there is no unnatural way to have a baby.  You make the baby, and one way or another the baby comes out.  It is the most natural thing in the world-whether or not you use an epidural, or IV pain relief, or have a Cesarean, or use some other kind of modern convinience.  Saying that doing it that way is unnatural is trying to guilt you into doing it the way they want you to.  And you don’t have to.  You will not be any less of a mommy if you do it your way.  There will be no points taken off of your childbirth scorecard, and no one will think that your labor doesn’t count if you didn’t do it the granola-eating-way.  [Or rather, anyone who does think that is a jackass and should be ignored by all humanity.]  Never feel any guilt about how you choose to have your baby-and ignore anyone who would try to convince you otherwise.

This is also good advice for the future because the attachment parenting crowd won’t stop at childbirth.  They also like to butt their little heads into your parenting.  Ignore them, and remember-YOU are this child’s parent.  As long as you are using common sense [ie-not feeding your newborn chocolate for breakfast or hanging them by their toes over a tank of piranas] you can do whatever you’d like with your baby.   That is your RIGHT. 

Even if you bottlefeed your child formula instead of breastfeeding-Even if you give them a binkie instead of encouraging them to use their thumb-Even if you put them to sleep in a crib in the nursery instead of in your bed-Even if you let your baby watch TV instead of reading them a book-You are NOT a bad parent and your child will be JUST fine.  Never let anyone scare you into doing things their way-you know what’s best for your baby, your family, and your lifestyle.  Never feel guilty for that.  And anyone who would try to make you feel guilty is just a granola eating overbearing jerk who needs to mind their own business.

*P.S. Before all you crunchies start throwing a fit because I’m pointing you out think about this-when is the last time that a formula/bottle feeding mother walked up to a complete stranger who was breastfeeding and told them that what they were doing was wrong??  Or the last time that a person who puts disposable diapers on their kid told a cloth using parent that they should change their ways before they hurt their child??  The criticism and attitudes are pretty one-sided.  Even I, who thinks that you guys are NUT JOBS, would never tell you to stop doing what you think is best for your children.  I’m just telling you to stop pushing your crap onto other people.*